Moments in the Maze

Did you flinch? Did your heart skip a beat? Did something inside you shift when you read that word?

Since I began telling those close to me about my divorce, the very first question that always comes up is, “Why?” And it’s usually quickly followed by, “Did he hurt you?”

"Who will protect me?"

Well, it’s been a while… so let’s catch up.

As I sit down to reflect on my journey through parenthood, I find myself grappling with the delicate balance between providing for my family's future and being fully present for my son. It's a journey marked by moments of doubt, frustration, and immense love, as I strive to create a loving home where my presence is felt and cherished.

As I sit down to capture the essence of the past year, my heart swells with gratitude and joy at the celebration of my son's first birthday. This milestone is not just a marker of his growth but a testament to the triumph of hope and love over years of trying and loss, a celebration of resilience, gratitude, and the overwhelming joy that comes with motherhood.

In the tapestry of our shared history, my sister emerged as the undeniable favorite. Growing up, my mother's affections seemed to flow exclusively in her direction. No matter my efforts, blame found its way to my doorstep. As the older sibling, I carried the weight of expectations and responsibilities, navigating the maze of childhood with a prevailing sense of isolation.

As I celebrate my 26th birthday, I find myself reflecting on the journey that brought me here, and the incredible transformations I've undergone since a dark period in 2018. It was a year marked by unimaginable pain and despair, leading me to the brink of a decision that could have prevented the beautiful experiences I hold dear today.

In the intricate tapestry of our lives, there are threads woven with both joy and pain. Today, I embark on the journey of sharing a deeply personal narrative – a story of navigating the complexities of working through past trauma. It is my hope that this reflection serves as a lantern for those who find themselves navigating their own paths of healing.

Marriage, they say, is a journey through peaks and valleys, a rollercoaster of emotions that tests the strength of the bond between two souls. As I navigate the complexities of my own marriage, I find myself standing at the edge of a precipice, grappling with doubts, insecurities, and the looming specter of divorce.

In the intricate dance of mentorship, there exists a delicate balance between pushing someone to be their best and leaving them feeling abandoned at their lowest. This is a story of grappling with that balance, a narrative of trust, growth, and the complexities that arise when a mentor's good intentions collide with the emotional turmoil of feeling left out to dry.

In the quiet recesses of my mind, there's a storm that rages, and it often feels like I'm drowning in the tumultuous waves of my thoughts. The weight of depression and anxiety can be suffocating, especially when faced with the challenges of being a young mom, juggling a full-time job, and trying to mend the fragments of a broken marriage. There are moments when it seems as if I'm adrift in a sea of shadows, abandoned and left to sink beneath the surface.